I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
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I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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