Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
