So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
