I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Randomize
