She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃