i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
