I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
