My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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