1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
