this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
