More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
