Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
