You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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