She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
