Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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