mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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