Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
