Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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