I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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