Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
