Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
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She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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