i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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