Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
