U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
