the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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