Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
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The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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