Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
