Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am never drinking with the goths again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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