Define "chronic" masturbator.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
jump out the window naked night went bad
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
