I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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