I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Congratulations! We have a period
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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