dude i'm inner monologue high
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
