He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
