I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
