Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
