At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate