I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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