Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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