The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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