watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
