at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
