I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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