I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
