I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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