Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
