My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
