I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.