my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?