Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
