you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
