i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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