i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
