my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
