My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
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I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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