I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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