checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
