The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
