from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was born a porn star she said
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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