Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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