no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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