i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
