Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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